


Waking in Gray

by FluffyHeretic



Category: Hatoful Kareshi | Hatoful Boyfriend
Genre: Dialogue Heavy, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, Suicidal Thoughts, altho its mostly just shuu and hito until the end, nothing graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-24
Updated: 2019-09-24
Packaged: 2020-10-27 18:27:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20764937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FluffyHeretic/pseuds/FluffyHeretic
Summary: A direct sequel to Dreaming in Pink, although (re)reading that first isn't necessary.Shuu invites Hitori over to talk, but it doesn't go the way he planned.





	Waking in Gray

**Author's Note:**

> ok so for the resolution this was supposed to be posted in AUGUST. yes i know its horrendously late.. im forgiving myself bc in the latter half of august i came down with a horrible case of bronchitis and then college started. THEN this fic ended up being way more difficult to write than i anticipated, ending up with TWO almost complete rewrites. but its here now. the actual september fic will definitely be late too but hopefully not AS late and i can get back on track. sorry about that!!

Shuu waved mildly to his boyfriends as he watched them turn the corner and disappear from view. He slid the door to his apartment shut with a soft click, then stood there with his hand still on the wood as he felt how his cheeks burned and how there seemed to be an odd fluttering in his chest.

It was all so strange and alien, and yet not unpleasant. Was this how most people felt when good things happened to them, when they were pleased with life? It felt almost novel that he should get to experience it too.

Was he happy?

He had found someone that he liked. He had managed to let them know how he felt, no matter how awkwardly. They actually liked him back somehow, and they’d gone on a date together, with more in the future.

It felt like a one in a billion chance that this would happen to him. And not only did it, but with two different people at the same time, and he could have both at once, too. It was more than he could have conceived of, let alone hope for. It felt like he had to stop every few seconds just to take a moment to breathe and confirm that this was all real.

If he was ever going to experience true happiness in his life, this had to be it, right? If not this, then what? This was what most people strived for - this and career success perhaps, which Shuu had found much easier.

Shuu turned from the front door and removed his coat and shoes. As he stepped through the apartment, he noticed himself moving slowly and carefully. Everything felt so very delicate all of a sudden. His entire reality seemed to be made of glass, as if one wrong move would cause it all to shatter and reveal itself to be an illusion, dropping himself into the cold waters of the bitter, lonely life he had been used to.

But that was exactly it. He was used to his life being that way. This new, unexpected situation seemed to be an improvement, but it was such a far cry from everything he had known. Would he truly be able to adapt? Was he capable of living this way? He didn’t know. He had never really considered that this would be his life after the Hawks.

After Dr. Kawara.

There were cracks.

That was the last time he’d been even a little close to anyone. And if he was dating Hitori and Kazuaki now, that meant they were even closer, right? Shuu didn’t know why, but that felt strange somehow.

Probably because after Kawara passed, he hadn’t believed that he could ever be close to someone again. He had been convinced that it wasn’t possible.

Thinking about it, did he even really believe it now?

What was he trying to accomplish, exactly?

With Dr. Kawara on his mind, memories came unbidden to Shuu of time spent next to a hospital bed, uselessly wishing that things were any different at all.

This wasn’t the first time he’d been happy. Dr. Kawara had made him happy. And then Dr. Kawara left.

There was no reason that either of his boyfriends wouldn’t leave similarly. Or even both.

The memories shifted, and his whole world with it, and suddenly he was at Hitori’s bedside. He took an unsteady step, and everything shifted again, and it was Kazuaki.

His breath caught in his throat, he reeled, and had to stop to lean against a wall to let the wave of anguish and fear rush through him.

There were dangerous creaks and groans with every movement, now. Warnings of what he could already tell was coming.

What the hell had he been thinking? Was he a complete idiot? Love made people stupid, he had always known that, and right then he felt like the dumbest person on the face of the earth.

Movements forced and mechanical, he managed to undress and get into the shower. He showered with the lights off and normally as quickly as he could manage, but his racing mind slowed him down, frantic thoughts freezing him into place.

He had already accepted that he would never live a normal life, hadn’t he? He had accepted it a long, long time ago. So why was he trying now? What was he hoping to gain?

Losing Dr. Kawara cemented for him that getting close to people, if it was even possible for him, wasn’t worth it. It may feel good in the moment, sure, but the pain was inevitable and too great. And now he’d ended up in a relationship? What had come over him? It felt as though love was an otherworldly force that had aggressively possessed him.

He had resolved to not allow anyone to be close to him, but Hitori and Kazuaki were persistent. They were so good, perhaps without even knowing it, at sneaking into his life. He had been weak enough to get attached, foolish enough to start pining, and when he had actually been presented with the opportunity to be with them, he’d been desperate enough to say yes.

The realization put his stomach and throat in a vice: he had made a terrible mistake.

He finished showering and dried off with great effort. Not long ago, on his date, he had felt full of new energy. Now it had been sapped from him, and he felt deeply exhausted.

He collapsed ungracefully onto his mattress, tossing and turning for what felt like hours. Eventually he fell into a restless sleep on a bed of broken glass.

When Shuu’s alarm roused him from sleep, one thought instantly entered his head.

He had to do something about this.

That thought pained him, and made him want to do nothing, but at the same time he knew that that wasn’t possible. He was too afraid to sit still.

It couldn’t wait. He snatched his phone up off his nightstand, sitting up, and then stared at it blankly. He couldn’t tell them over text, that was far too rude. He had to invite them over. Both, at once? That would be the proper thing, but with a furrow of his brow, he imagined Kazuaki, who would surely burst into tears right away, and then how would Shuu bring himself to say anything?

… It felt wrong, but he decided to text Hitori privately. Then once Shuu had explained the situation, Hitori could help him figure out how to break the news to Kazuaki as tactfully as possible. Hitori was immeasurably better at that sort of thing.

Shuu’s hands felt clammy as they typed. _Can you come over today? This morning, preferably?_

He hoped, throat tight, that he wouldn’t have to wait long for a reply. Luckily he didn’t, with Hitori answering promptly. _Sure. Is something up?_

Shuu frowned. He didn’t want to lie, but he didn’t want to stir Hitori into a panic either. So he decided to just be vague. _I’ll tell you when you get here._ Ah, but that alone was probably enough to panic him, wasn’t it? But it was the best he could think of.

He had time to get dressed and drink his morning coffee to wake up before Hitori would arrive. As he did so, a part of him hoped that he would change his mind. He’d gotten too into his head, the feeling of dread would pass, and when Hitori walked in the door he could say that he only wanted to see him. But the moment of relief never came, and the dread only seemed to weigh on him more and more heavily with each tick of the clock.

Hitori announced his arrival with three polite knocks, and Shuu let him in. Hitori offered a small smile as he took off his shoes and coat. “So what’s up?”

Shuu wanted to do anything he could to put off the inevitable, or at least just make them both more comfortable. He wanted to say, _Please, sit down._ Or maybe, _Can I get you a drink?_ Or he could get him into a good mood by saying something like, _I like your hair._

But only one thing was on Shuu’s mind, and when he opened his mouth, the words that came out were, “This isn’t going to work.”

Hitori just stared at him blankly as the words sunk in, then his entire face fell, and then his eyebrows knitted with concern. “What? Wait, why? What happened? I thought that the date had gone well.”

“The date was fine.” Shuu winced at himself for not being able to say what he meant: that he thought it was great, actually. “It has nothing to do with the date, or either of you for that matter. I’m simply… not able to be in a relationship.” He rubbed his own shoulder. “I got caught up in things and managed to forget that. I’m sorry for wasting your time.”

There. It was done. It had hurt, and now that it was over, Shuu certainly didn’t feel any happier. Quite the opposite, really. But he had done what was necessary.

He opened his mouth to then ask about Kazuaki, but Hitori cut him off with, “Wait, please explain! What do you mean you can’t be in a relationship?”

Shuu blinked, taken aback. “I- My feelings on this are complicated and going into detail on these things is far from my strong suit. But please rest assured that my feelings are resolute.”

Hitori frowned more, Shuu’s poor attempt at a response only seeming to exasperate him. “If you want to break up, that’s one thing, but can’t you at least tell me why instead of dodging the question? I know it’s difficult for you, but if you could please try…?”

Shuu held himself, and his throat tightened again. He felt as though he should have expected this, and yet he felt put on the spot. He didn’t think that he was capable of giving Hitori what he wanted.

But, yes, he could try. He owed him that much, didn’t he?

He swallowed as he scrounged his brain for words - not even the right ones, but any ones that would help steer them in a direction that may possibly be correct. “I am not… suited… for a relationship. I knew this, but I couldn't help but want one anyway. When you both offered to let me into your relationship, my surprise caused a lapse in my judgement, and I agreed. I have realized my grievous error and am now rectifying it. Again, I apologize for-”

“Stop, please don’t say that again. You’re not- You didn’t waste anyone’s time.” Hitori shook his head and then ran a hand through his hair. He was quiet for a brief moment, eyes downward, as he seemed to take this in.

Shuu waited patiently for him to speak. He felt that he had given the best explanation that he could, and now all he could do was await the response.

Finally, Hitori said quietly, “Listen, if you don’t want to be with us anymore, of course I respect that. But the want part is important. If you’re going to make this decision, I want it to be because that’s what you want, and not because it’s what you feel like you have to do, against your own wishes.” He looked into Shuu’s eyes, suddenly full of intensity. “So is this what you really want?”

The question stumped Shuu, prompting him to take a step back. “It’s… It’s not about what I want.”

“What do you mean? Of course it is.” Hitori stepped forward and took Shuu’s hands in his own. Shuu shied away, almost pulling his hands back, but he didn’t. “If you want to be with us, then you should! Whatever’s going on, we can work through it. We’ll help you! That’s what boyfriends do.”

Shuu didn’t think he’d ever felt this lost in his life. Not because he didn’t understand what Hitori was saying, but because he hadn’t the slightest clue what to do or say in response. This situation was too alien. The only thing he knew was that he was afraid, and they couldn’t be together.

He shook his head firmly. “It’s not that easy… It’s just not.”

“Let’s talk about this,” Hitori said as he guided Shuu over to the couch and sat them down. Shuu felt too out of his head to resist. “Please just humor me, won’t you? If we’re going to break up, at least tell me why. Why don’t you think you can be in a relationship?”

Shuu opened his mouth, hoping to find words, but he didn’t. So he just stared.

Hitori chewed his lip, clearly coming to the realization that he would have to do a lot of the heavy lifting here. And yet he didn’t seem to shy away from the task at all. “Are you… scared?”

Shuu’s first instinct was to deny it, but he also knew that that was true, so the urge couldn’t turn into words.

But the dilemma must have shown on his face, because Hitori seemed to take it as a yes. He looked mournful, and tilted his head. “What are you scared of? Do you know?”

Shuu gave a beleaguered sigh and turned his body away, creating distance between him and Hitori. Hitori stayed leaning forward, elbows on his knees, but didn’t chase him. Of course Shuu knew, it just felt impossible to talk about.

He was silent, but Hitori did nothing except wait patiently. He seemed to know, somehow, that the words were there, it would just take some time for them to come.

Shuu halfheartedly picked at some lint on the couch, doing his best to pretend that he was alone in hopes that it would make it easier to speak. “I’m going to lose you,” he muttered.

“What? How do you know that?”

“It’s just inevitable.” Shuu shrugged, still not looking up. “We’re all happy now, but something has to happen eventually. That’s how it works.”

“Oh.” Hitori waited a beat. “Have you lost someone before?”

Shuu didn’t want to react, preferring to close himself up as much as possible. He couldn’t have this conversation. But immediately he could feel his muscles tense and he suddenly felt very hot, like there was a furnace in his abdomen. He clasped his hands together tightly.

He wanted to voice some sort of protest to this topic, but Hitori, observant as he was, seemed to notice the reaction and quickly said, “We don’t need to talk about it. Not if you don’t want to. But… is that why?”

“I… Yes. Do you understand now? Why I can’t do this?”

Hitori finally closed the distance then, coming just close enough to put a gentle hand on Shuu’s shoulder. Shuu tensed again but didn’t move away, although he thought about it.

“I do understand,” Hitori said softly. “I think I know how you feel. I’ve lost people too. It’s very frightening, isn’t it? To think that it could happen again, at any time? That your happiness will be whisked away.”

Shuu had not considered the idea that Hitori may share his fears. He took some time to mull this over in his head. The idea that maybe Hitori really genuinely did know how he felt, that he struggled with the same thing… There was something comforting about that, right?

“Then how do you deal with it?” Shuu finally turned his head to look back at Hitori. “How do you resist the urge to just cut everyone off and be alone?”

“You just can’t.” Hitori smiled almost sheepishly, moving one shoulder in a casual shrug. “We’re social creatures. You can’t live a healthy life entirely by yourself. Do you really think that you would be happy like that?”

That was the rub, wasn’t it? The answer to that question may have been the worst part of all of this. “No. I don’t.” There was a time when he thought that he could be, that he could live his entire life as nothing but a work machine. But when he was given the smallest taste of friendship, it was over for him. He didn’t want to be without it.

But he couldn’t have it, either. “I won’t be happy either way. There’s just something wrong with me. I should have accepted it a long time ago, but I was a coward and kept putting it off. Truthfully, I shouldn’t… even be here.”

He regretted saying that last part. It was too much, and now Hitori would really be upset. Shuu was just supposed to break up with him, how did he let it get this far? He was slipping up with too many things lately, it seemed.

The hand on Shuu’s shoulder tightened, and so did Hitori’s voice. “Shuu, please… Don’t- Don’t say stuff like that, okay? Of course you should be here. You deserve to be here just as much as anyone else. You deserve to be happy.”

There was a lot in there that Shuu felt like refuting. He didn’t see how he deserved any of that. But even with that aside… “How am I supposed to be happy when all I can do is wonder when you’ll leave?”

“It’s normal to worry about those things. There are ways to cope.” Hitori’s hand moved from Shuu’s shoulder to his knee. “Primarily by surrounding yourself with loved ones who can be there to support you and help you get through tough times.”

“The solution to being afraid of losing people is to… be with more people?” That sounded strange to Shuu. “That…”

“... means that even when you lose someone, you won’t be alone. Right? It means that people will be there to pull you out of the darkness. It means having people to share your good memories with. Kazuaki and I, and Nageki too… we want to be that for you. We can all support each other.”

Shuu couldn’t speak for a while. He really needed to process this. He could understand Hitori’s argument; it did make sense to him. But it was still so much to take in, especially with one big hurdle still in his way.

He leaned back against the couch with a small sigh, and looked into Hitori’s hopeful, genuine expression. Hitori really believed in what he was saying, and that made Shuu want to believe him too.

“We talked about what I want. But is this what you want?” he murmured. “I’m not just not cut out for relationships because of my fear. I’m also just bad at them. Do you actually want to put up with me like that? Are you really willing to go through all of this… for me?”

“Of course we are.” Hitori matched Shuu’s position, their shoulders touching, and softly touched their hands together. “You’re incredibly loyal and dedicated. You show your love with actions, with your commitment and devotion, not words. You’re also beautiful, and so cute when you’re flustered, and we love you so much.”

Shuu put his arm over his eyes because damn if he was going to do something silly like cry. He couldn’t believe what Hitori was saying… but he didn’t think of him as a liar, either. Did he truly feel that way? It was unreal. That someone could really think so highly of him… How did it happen?

“And, you know,” Hitori’s voice was a soothing whisper, “about the whole ‘supporting each other through hard times’ thing… I know it works. You know how? Because you did it for me.”

Shuu forgot about his impending tears because he had to look at Hitori with disbelief. “What? When? How so?” He couldn’t imagine himself having that kind of power.

“When Nageki was in cryo. I was so happy and thankful, especially to you, for helping him. It feels like you saved us.” Hitori’s smile faded somewhat, but not completely. “But I waited five years. That part was awful. I was so lonely and afraid without him. Especially since most of the time we didn’t know how long it would take. Every day I wondered if I would ever see him again. Or maybe I’d wait so long and then it wouldn’t work somehow. I didn’t know if I could make it through.

“Looking forward to the day we would be reunited did a lot to help me. But you know what else did? Just being around you.” His smile grew strong again and even turned into a small laugh. “I’m sure I drove you up the wall with how many questions I asked, how often I wanted to visit and check in… But all the times that you did let me visit, I wasn’t only grateful to see Nageki. I was so grateful to just not be alone. To be with someone.”

“It’s not as if I was any good company.” Shuu shook his head. “Absolutely terrible company, I’m sure. I can’t see how that would have been comforting for you.”

“But you were there,” Hitori said simply. “And that was what I needed the most right then. It meant so much to me just to talk to you. And when you finally talked back, I felt so happy. You may not realize it, but you really do have a certain charm, you know? It’s so unique and intriguing. I wanted to talk to you all day, just to see what I could get you to say, what I could learn about you, what expressions I could see on your face. I think I got addicted, really.”

He looked away from Shuu to turn his gaze wistfully to the ceiling. “I didn’t realize it at the time, but looking back, I think that was when I started to love you. I wondered if it would go away when I got Nageki back, but it didn’t. I wanted to keep seeing you. I wanted you in my life.”

He turned onto his side to face Shuu again, and his eyes were wet with tears. “I’m so grateful that you are. And I really hope that you’ll continue to be. No matter what the future holds, I believe that we can get through it. So whether it’s as boyfriends or just as friends… Please stay with us, okay?”

If Hitori’s eyes were wet with tears, Shuu’s whole face already was. Even now, even in this situation, he couldn’t help but feel like he was overreacting. But Hitori’s explanation made him feel so much of so many things and it just had to start coming out somehow and now he was a complete mess, but he could barely think about that because Hitori really loved him. How had he gotten here? It was all too much but he never wanted it to end.

Shuu remembered the time Nageki was in cryo well. Curing him was not the Hawk Party’s plan, and so it had involved moving to a private location and convincing inside connections to help him smuggle equipment and materials. It had been a long, grueling five year task and perhaps the biggest challenge he’d faced.

At the time, he’d felt confident that it was not only his biggest challenge, but his final one. When Nageki was cured, Shuu would be able to quietly slip from the world with the satisfaction of a job well done, leaving nothing behind.

But… Hitori. He couldn’t stay away from Nageki, of course. He’d visited so frequently he really might as well have lived with them, only giving Shuu room to breathe when he insisted it absolutely necessary for the sake of the cure.

Maybe it was Hitori’s strong parental instinct, but without Nageki to care for, he’d switched to Shuu. Questions about Nageki’s progress were soon also paired with questions about whether Shuu had gotten any sleep, and if he’d eaten, and hey, if he was just waiting for a sample to mature anyway then perhaps they could go outside-

Shuu had hoped it would stop when Hitori introduced him to his friend Kazuaki. Kazuaki was a normal person who could talk to Hitori about normal people things and do normal people activities with him, and Shuu would no longer be needed. But no, instead they insisted that the three of them should hang out together. Kazuaki started going on about how smart and cool Shuu was (somehow?) and oh, Hitori was busy working and Shuu seemed to have a second so maybe Kazuaki could just show him this cool game for a second, just a quick second! Then afterwards he’d love to hear Shuu talk about microbiology too, maybe, if he wanted.

And before Shuu knew it, it had all gotten horrifically out of hand.

It was so obnoxiously familiar. And even though Shuu had done it all before, had already called it off once, he had been unable to build an immunity. His weakness was struck, suddenly and without warning.

Still. When Nageki was back, they would go their separate ways. Would it hurt their feelings? Maybe. But Shuu was sure that he wouldn’t be missed for long.

But he supposed he’d always been weak. When Hitori wanted to thank him by taking him to dinner, he’d supposed it couldn’t hurt. When Kazuaki wanted to make plans with him the next week, Shuu supposed that he could wait that long. Why not another month, after all? Why not three? He could get around to leaving whenever it suited him, so it wasn’t really a big deal when a year had flown by, was it?

Now several of those years had gone by, so much had changed, and still the original plan lingered in the back of Shuu’s head, asking him when he’d get around to it, insisting it’d be better once he did.

The new, almost impromptu plan of staying with them was a frighteningly difficult one. But did that mean that the old plan was better? Could he really bring himself to regret not sticking to it, when the result was… being loved, and loving, when those things had once felt so out of reach?

Maybe there was a good reason that it had taken him this long, like his subconscious was trying to tell him what it really was that he needed.

He opened his mouth to speak, but when the breath he took was shaky, he stopped to take his glasses off so that he could rub his eyes instead, hoping to get some modicum of composure back. “I want to stay. I do want to. But I don’t think I ever won’t be scared.”

“Maybe you will,” Hitori said honestly. “But that doesn’t mean that you can’t be happy, or that you won’t get through it. I wish I could say something that will make all your fears wash away in an instant, but I can’t. But I can be there to help you through it, every day, and maybe it will get better. We won’t know unless we try, right? That’s the only thing I can ask of you: to try with me.”

A big part of Shuu still wanted to just push him away, push them all away, hide himself far away from everyone and just give up on life.

He also wanted to be with them, and lead a happy life like so many other people did somehow. Somehow, some way, there were people - even if only a few - that really wanted him in their lives, and he didn’t want to leave them.

Hitori had been through it, too, he’d said so. Shuu didn’t know the details, but neither did Hitori about Shuu’s trauma. If they ever talked about it, it would be when they were ready. But the point was that Hitori felt Shuu’s pain, and still he managed to keep going.

Maybe that meant that Shuu could, too? He didn’t know if he believed that was possible. But he wanted it badly enough to find out.

He sat up, and looked around his home of broken glass. It was unsightly, and hurt everywhere. But did that mean it couldn’t be put back together? Not entirely, no - it was far too shattered. But maybe some pieces were intact enough to be slotted back into place, with a little adhesive and a lot of help. There’d always be shards leftover and they’d always hurt, but maybe it could be just enough to live in and be mostly okay.

And then it would crack and shatter again.

… But…

Then, maybe, with more help, it could be put back together again?

He looked to Hitori, who had sat up as well, and said after a deep breath, “Okay. I think that I can try. I want to believe you. I want to see what’s in the future. Maybe it will hurt, but… I want to see. So I’ll stay. At least a little longer, anyway.”

Hitori’s face broke out into a big, relieved smile, a breath he must have been holding finally being released. “We’ll see it together. All of us. Whatever the future holds, we’re going to face it together.”

“As boyfriends?” Shuu glanced to the side. “If you still want to.”

“Of course I do, silly. I couldn’t be happier to date you. I’m glad that I make you happy too.”

“Well.” Shuu felt his face burn, and couldn’t help the instinct to duck to try to hide it. “You do. So.”

“Can I hug you?”

Shuu decided to answer that by just leaning in, and Hitori quickly pulled him into a tight embrace. Shuu wrapped his arms around Hitori’s torso much more meekly, still far too unused to this whole affection thing. But it was nice. He thought that maybe he wouldn’t mind more hugs.

Hitori had somehow given him a surge of confidence, delicate as it was. Maybe it wouldn’t last very long, and sooner or later he’d be back in this shattered place with no strength to put it together again. Maybe Hitori or Kazuaki or both of them would be able to pick him back up again, or maybe not.

But right now, he had it. So he’d see where it led him. Wherever that was, he’d have his memories, right?

He wanted to remember this, too. He took in every detail he could. Hitori’s warmth, and the feeling of being secured in his arms. His indescribably unremarkable and yet unmistakable smell. The cool, light air. The sunlight drifting through his window and giving everything a calm, hazy glow. Even the tears still on his face carried the feeling of relief for having let his heart out, when that was so rare for him.

No matter how things ended up, this memory could never and would never be taken from him. He’d hold onto it forever.

Maybe this would end up being a mistake, but he wasn’t ready to make that call yet. If he did run away, he didn’t think he could ever forgive himself for not finding out what could have been.

“I still feel like I’m only here out of weakness,” he admitted. “That I couldn’t have just left when it was easier. I had to stall instead.”

“Being alive isn’t weak,” Hitori whispered. “You’ve been worrying and struggling this much, and you’re still here? That’s amazing strength. Give yourself more credit.

“And, you know,” Hitori sounded like he was smiling, “therapy also helps a lot. It’s done a lot for me. Maybe you should think about it.”

Shuu snorted at that. He didn’t know if he could be helped by a therapist - but that was kind of their job, right? Well… He turned his head down to bury his face in Hitori’s shoulder and said, “I’ll think about it.”

“Hey, there’s no rush. One day at a time, right?”

… Right. That’s all he had to do. One single day at a time, and maybe the days would start being good. Yes, that would be nice.

“Hey, there you guys are!” Kazuaki looked up from his phone to see his boyfriends approaching. He put it away and stood up from the park bench, waving his hand to greet them.

“Hi Kazuaki,” Hitori greeted. Shuu, who arrived with him, just raised his hand in acknowledgement.

They had had their emotional talk just that morning. Shuu still felt raw from it and was sorely tempted to just stay inside all day and decompress. But after all of the drama, it felt wrong to not spend any time with Kazuaki. So the three of them made plans to go on a walk in the park and around town.

It also felt wrong to not just say anything to him about it, so Shuu knew he had to do that. He wasn’t quite sure what to say, but it had to be something.

“Are you ready to go?” Kazuaki said as he walked over to them.

“Yes,” Shuu answered, and then, “Well, no. Not yet. Actually, I should say something to you.”

“Oh.” Kazuaki tensed up, and he cast a worried glance to Hitori. Hitori met it with a warm smile, though, and Kazuaki seemed to calm down. “Um, okay?”

Shuu stared down at his feet. He wasn’t completely sure what the point he was going to try to make was exactly, but he just didn’t want Kazuaki to be left out. “Uh, so, this morning… I don’t know if you need to know this.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I suppose that you should. To be in the know. You don’t need to worry about it though. But, ah, actually, I told Hitori that I was going to break up with you two. He talked me out of it, though.”

Kazuaki’s brow was furrowed with concern while Shuu spoke. When Shuu brought up the idea of breaking up, Kazuaki startled like he’d seen something scary and tears instantly formed in his eyes. Hearing that Hitori had talked Shuu out of it held them back, but he still looked distressed. “What? Why’s that? Did we do something?”

“No, of course not. It was just me. I was… afraid. Am afraid. Ugh, it’s complicated.” And he was too tired to go through that whole conversation again only a few hours later. “As I said, he changed my mind. But you deserve to know that it happened.”

That was true, but it felt like all that he was accomplishing was making Kazuaki worry and feel bad. There had to be a greater point, right?

… Wait, of course there was. Just because Kazuaki wasn’t there didn’t mean that he didn’t play a role.

Shuu breathed deeply to urge himself to look Kazuaki in the eyes and say what he needed to say. “Hitori did the talking, but you were part of it too, because… you feel the same way that he does, right? I’m assuming… He said that you do, I’m sure he’s probably right.” He shook his head. “Anyway. The point is that… Thank you. Thank you for putting up with me for all this time. It, uh, it does make a difference. You should know that.” He gave a firm nod to affirm his point.

Hitori threw him a big grin and a thumbs up. Maybe he didn’t do so bad.

Kazuaki’s eyes filled with tears again, but this time they were accompanied with a smile. He pulled Shuu into a big hug, so tightly that Shuu had to gasp for breath at first. “Oh Shuu, I love you! You make a difference to me too, okay? Being with you like this makes me so happy. Let’s keep supporting each other, and be together for a long time!”

Shuu had had a difficult time believing that he made a positive difference in Hitori’s life, and here Kazuaki was saying the same thing. Either way, even if he didn’t feel deserving of that opinion, he remembered his talk with Hitori: he could try. So he resolved then to try to become deserving of it, or at least strive for as close as he could get. “Yes, let’s- let’s do that.” It sounded like a good plan to him.

Hitori came over and wrapped his arms around them both to join in, though he was much gentler than Kazuaki. It didn’t last very long before they all stepped away, but Shuu was getting sweaty, so it was just as well.

There’d be plenty of time for more hugs later.

“Let’s go! There’s a lot I want to see.” But he didn’t take off just yet. “Um, Shuu, do you wanna hold hands? It’s fine if you don’t want to! I’ll understand! But, I mean, if you do want to, then…”

“Oh.” Shuu looked down at Kazuaki’s hand, then his own, then back again. Couples did that, right? He couldn’t think of a logical reason not to. “Well. Yes. That sounds…” He nodded stiffly.

Ugh, hopefully he’d get better at that, too.

But Kazuaki didn’t seem to mind and just took Shuu’s hand in his own, squeezing it gently.

Shuu looked at Hitori, who took the hint and chuckled as he took his other hand.

It was so simple and innocent: just holding hands. But Shuu realized that for the first time, he could feel the physical connection between them. A comforting presence on both sides, their gentle but firm grips keeping him grounded, like tethers that stopped him from retreating too far back into his own head.

Was he happy now?

Yes, like this, with his life in a more positive place that he could have hoped it would be, of course he was happy.

Was he scared of losing them?

Yes, that too. But they didn’t have to be mutually exclusive feelings, right?

Was he going to meet grief again?

Yes, someday, of course. But he wouldn’t have to face it alone. And that meant that maybe the happiness wouldn’t have to leave.

His heart always felt lighter when the three of them were together, and getting deep feelings off of his chest that morning lightened it even more. But the dark pit of despair was still there. He may not be able to get rid of it completely. And he was sure that he was going to relapse again, try to hide himself away and change his mind. It didn’t feel like everything was magically better.

The path beneath his feet was unstable. It felt like it was crumbling almost all around him, threatening to give out completely, with one wrong move sending him into darkness. But the path forward was there, however dimly lit and treacherous, and he would walk it.

With his hands in Kazuaki’s and Hitori’s, his footing started to feel just a little more sure.

**Author's Note:**

> first of all huge enormous spectacular kudos to my beta reader AuburnRabbit for quelling a lot of my anxieties about this fic and finding errors that wouldve killed me when i found them after this was published. tysm ilu ;v; ;v; ;v;
> 
> second: iwamine shuu i will force you to be happy whether you like it or not. ill personally kidnap you and lock you in a room with a therapist if thats what it takes, i swear on my life
> 
> anyway. ive hinted plenty of times before in past staff trio fics abt shuus relationship angsts. i think that its a big enough element to be worth dedicating a whole fic to digging into it. it was also a great time to talk about their history in this au~
> 
> it is what it is so ig theres not a lot else to say except that i hope you enjoyed it!! if you did, i love love love comments so ;)
> 
> (the september fic will be more lighthearted, i promise!!)


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